I signed up for an indoor cycling class at our local rec center. I've been going to the rec center about four days a week for the past month. Trying to lose that "baby fat", which, let's be honest is really pre-baby fat caused by terrible eating habits. Add to that the fact that I have some jeans from the summer after high school that are super cute (and expensive because I could drop $50 on a pair of jeans back then since I didn't have real bills to pay) that I want to wear again. After worshiping the stair-master for four weeks I felt like I needed something more...shall we say...structured. I prepaid for the classes so I wouldn't go to one class and quit. It's a four week class that meets once a week. I see why it only meets once a week. You will, too, by the time you finish reading this. The first class was canceled because we had a blizzard last Saturday. I must admit I was a little relieved. I was all, "well I was supposed to go to a cycling class but it was canceled...aww shucks..." Really I was thinking, "Thank GOD for that blizzard...one more week of sleeping in on Saturday morning." Did I mention the class is at 8:30. That's 8:30 AM. On Saturdays.

Today was my actual first class. Allow me to clear up a few misconceptions and possibly set the record straight about cycling classes:

1) Even though it looks like the people inside are KILLING themselves, no one dies in cycling class. At least not in the one I was at today.

2) Anyone, no matter their size, shape, or age can take a cycling class. You don't have to be super fit or Lance Armstrong to cycle. You set your own pace. Go as slow (or fast, if you're a crazy bitch) as you like.

3) Don't try and keep up with the crazy bitches that are going super fast. This is not their first class. Some of them (the extra crazy ones) take this class two to three times A WEEK. These are the ones that wear padded bicycle shorts and sit in the front row of bikes.

4) When the instructor says, "your first class is going to be the worst...you'll probably want to quit...you might feel like you're going to die...but you should keep coming...it gets easier." She's telling the truth. At least about the first class being the worst. And that whole you might feel like you're going to die part...she's telling the truth about that, too. I can't say if it gets any easier or not since this was my first one.

5) When the instructor says, "after the first class you're going to be a little saddle sore," what she means is your ASS IS GOING TO HURT. Like two seconds into your 45 minute class you'll be wishing you were giving birth...because THAT didn't hurt your va-jay-jay and ass NEARLY as much as sitting on that bike seat. You'll see why Susie Cylcles-A-Lot, the crazy bitch in the front row that's actually enjoying herself, wears those padded shorts.

6) Standing up on the bike to relieve the pain in your, ahem, nether regions will help. It will also kill your legs. So throughout the class (did I mention that it's 45 minutes long?) you must constantly decide, "Do I want my crotch to hurt or my legs to hurt?" I opted to switch back and forth...giving equal pain opportunity to both my crotch and legs. They appreciated it.

7) Ignore the clock. If you keep checking the time, that 45 minutes is going to seem like 45 HOURS.

8) Your legs will feel wobbly after you get off the bike. That's normal. Perfect excuse to rest your sore butt in one of those nice cushy chairs they offer to change your shoes. If it takes an hour to change your shoes, don't let them kick you out of the stuffed chair. Tell them you like to pace yourself when undoing your laces.

All of that being said, I am returning for next week's class...they already have my money so I may as well. Afterwards the instructor asked how it went. I smiled and said, "well I'm still breathing." She took that to be a good sign. I also told her that I sure as hell won't feel guilty when I eat those cookies I made last night. A few of the crazy bitches even got a kick out of that one.

PS: I totally had McDonald's for breakfast on the way home from class. You can take the girl to the gym...but you can't make her eat healthy all the time. Now...where did I put those cookies?!