Nora got a swing for the outside swing set this week. This meant a trip to Toys R Us...seems they're the only store in the neighboring four counties that have outside baby swings. We quickly found the swings but decided to take a trip through the very tiny baby section while we were there. That would be the section is small...it's not like they only have things for very tiny babies...anyhow...it was a tad past dinner time and I was starting to get famished. Luckily for me there was help in sight! The snack shelf by the registers was stocked full. I searched for a healthier alternative to a candy bar...partially because I'm trying to eat better...and partially because I knew that I wanted to have ice cream later and thought I might feel less guilty if I had a healthy snack. I found the perfect thing...animal crackers...they are fat free, you know. I toss them next to the baby swing to be rung up...assuring my mom that Nora wanted them. We weren't even out of the parking lot and I was tearing into the box. Do you KNOW how many animal crackers are in a two ounce box? Well?!? DO YOU?!? Four. Precisely four. Who the hell eats only four animal crackers at a time? The only thing that would've pissed me off more is if it had been my sixty five cents that bought them. Then. Then there would've been a fight between me and that damn giraffe. As it is he should consider himself warned...you hear me Geoffrey? Who spells Geoffrey with a G anyway? A stupid talking giraffe, that's who. Seriously, Geoff...I'm watching you...start putting more crackers in that box...or at the very least start making them with crack...at least that would justify the cost...

Posted by Courtney at 8:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If hitting her would make her stop crying, I'd totally do it right now...because I just cannot stand to listen to her cry for one more second. That is the scariest thought that ever entered my head. That is the thought that crept into my mind two weeks ago. That is the moment that I realized I had felt this way before. That is the moment that I called my doctor to get help. Who wants to hit their three month old baby? For crying, no less. Who feels this way?

I was so proud of myself because I wasn't one of them...you know...one of those moms that needed mental help. I wasn't included in the statistics that say a majority of women suffer from postpartum depression after giving birth. Not me. Never needed help with depression before. In fact, I'm the caretaker. I take care of Larry. I take care of Nora. I try hard to take care of my friends and family. Certainly I didn't need help. How arrogant of me. And how stupid that I didn't speak up sooner about how I was feeling. It didn't sneak up me. My feelings of hitting Nora to make her stop crying had seeped into my mind before...but I thought I could control them myself. After all, I control everything else so well.

I wasn't going to hurt Nora. I wasn't going to hit her. At least I wasn't going to do that on purpose. I was able to stop myself from acting on my thoughts...but I didn't like feeling that way. I didn't want to feel that way. I also wasn't sure how long I could keep pushing those thoughts out of my head. I couldn't guarantee that I would walk away when the crying became too much. I didn't trust that if I felt frustrated again I would handle her as gently as I should. I'm not a person that has a lot of patience, and the stress of things just became too much. I wasn't enjoying my time with Nora. I wasn't having fun being her Mommy. Everything was work. Feeding her...dressing her...playing with her...all of it just sucked. I've never felt so overwhelmed in my life. I had so many responsibilities with Larry being in jail...on top of working part time and taking care of Nora.

I remembered the nurse that ran our birth class telling us about PPD. I could clearly hear her say, "Girls, if you're not feeling right you need to tell your doctor. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Plenty of women need help and you need to ask for it if you need it." Those words ran through my head like a broken record for the few days leading up to my moment of clarity that Monday afternoon when I had to tell myself that hitting her would in no way make her stop crying. I kept thinking, I'll call...I'll get around to it one of these days. Larry must have been able to hear my feelings even though I didn't voice them to him, because he encouraged me to call the nurse. Truthfully, I was going to call that day anyhow...but it was good of him to insist on it...he recognized the problem without my having to say a word. And honestly, he probably would've called for me had I tried to put it off.

My doctor called in a prescription for Zoloft within an hour of my call to the nurse, and I started it that day. That was eleven days ago. Even though it takes up to four weeks to take full effect, I notice myself feeling better already. I'm much calmer. Things don't piss me off so much anymore. I don't feel like I'm hanging on by a thread that's about to break. The sky is clearer now. I'm not exhausted from stress. But the absolute best part? I love and appreciate my time with Nora. I have the patience to handle the crying. I can comfort her when she can't fall asleep. I don't even mind so much that she's waking up in the middle of the night again. I snuggle and play with her because it's fun and not because I have to. I am starting to feel like myself again, and I'm a better Mommy for it.

Posted by Courtney at 8:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Video of Nora rolling over from her back to her belly.

Posted by Courtney at 7:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of Nora's favorite things is to watch Dora the Explorer. She's starting to coo along to the songs and really get into the shows. The rest of the household has been subject to Dora...and we're all learning lots of songs. At any given time one of us will burst into song simply because those songs...they get stuck...in your brain...for hours. My Mom usually sings the "Vamanos" song, and earlier this week when we took Nora for a walk she decided to marvel us with her lyrical talents:

"Come on vamanos...everybody let's go...come on let's get to it...I know that we can do it! Where are we going? Brokeback Mountain! Where-"

"Um. Mom. I'm pretty sure Dora does not go to Brokeback Mountain."

"I know but I can't remember where she went."

"It's safe to assume that Brokeback Mountain is a tad too grown up for preschoolers. And anyway, it's Blueberry Mountain. I wonder what people would think if they heard you singing about taking a three month old to Brokeback Mountain?"

"They'd think that I'm teaching her to be accepting of other people."

"Or they'd think you're crazy...like the rest of us do..."

Posted by Courtney at 3:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This video is of Nora trying her hardest to talk to me.

Posted by Courtney at 3:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Dear Nora,

Starting this week I'm changing these updates to be monthly. This is because I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to label them anymore. I don't want to be posting your 'week 51' update...who the heck will know how old you are? I'll still be posting all the wonderfully wonderful things you do throughout the weeks...it'll just be one 'wrap up' post per month. This is also because it's less work for me...which means more play time with you!

One of your favorite things to play is airplane. You can be screaming your lungs out and you stop instantly if I hold you up to play airplane. I say, You're flying!" and you get the biggest grin imaginable. I'm not sure if Mommy or you have the most fun. I add in the sound effects of the airplane...and sometimes the crash landings for smooches...oh my gosh....you love it! We fly almost every morning...you fly out to pick out a bib with me...then we fly back to our room...you'll have enough frequent flyer miles soon to be flying to other people's houses for free!

A lot of your pictures from this week...all of them in fact...were taken in your car seat. This is mostly because you were in your car seat quite a bit...it's also partly because one day you were particularly agreeable while we were out.

This month you got your first toe nail polishing. This was about as easy as grabbing a baby out of the water. Your Grandma bought you some snazzy sandals and the day of your cousin's birthday party the weather was so warm that I busted out your new shoes to go with your pretty party dress. As a surprise to your Daddy I painted your toes. Boy! He was surprised! I told him to check out your new shoes...turns out he noticed your polished toes right away. I figure it's safe to paint your toes since you don't even know where they are yet...you're not exactly chewing on them or anything!

This past week your Daddy started his jail sentence. Man, has that taken some getting used to. You have a new routine now because we have to take him to and from work and jail. The good thing about this is that you get to see him at least twice a day...most times you're happy to see him...sometimes he wakes you up to tell you he loves you and you give him the worst grimmace ever. So now in the mornings you and Grandma take Daddy to work...then you come home and play with Grandma...usually watching Dora. Then I'm home with you in the afternoon...and we go take dinner to Daddy and take him back to the jail. I'm sure learning quick that his extra set of hands was super helpful!

You took your first bath without Daddy this week...and that's only because I figured I can't wait to bathe you for four months when he's back home with us. You cooperated quite nicely...although you didn't enjoy it nearly as much as when he holds you. I can't wait until you can sit up enough to go in a bath seat...I think it'll be better for both of us! We managed to get you clean and better smelling so I guess that's all that matters for now!

Your Grandma watches you in the mornings while Mommy goes to work. I'm not sure who enjoys that more, but I'm thinking it's her! Everytime I change you that you haven't pooped I say, "Thank you for not pooping! You save the poopy diapers for Grandma because she loves poopy diapers!" And you laugh and smile when I say that...possibly because of the tone of my voice but it's still funny to me. I came home from work one day this week and Grandma said, "Do you know what Nora made for me today?" I laughed and said, A poopy diaper?! When she confirmed that you had, I told her that I had been telling you to save them for her. That worked out perfectly!

You got a big stroller this past week, too. We're hoping to try it out tonight because it's about 80 degrees today...and supposed to snow tomorrow...silly Ohio weather! I'm pretty sure you'll love taking walks because you are so damn nosey! You love looking around at stuff...and it's so awesome to see you discovering things. Your car seat froggy has a mirror on it and you're just starting to see yourself in it...that is super funny to watch because as it cathes your eye your eyes get gigantic...like you can't believe what you're seeing! Know what? I can't believe all the amazing things I'm seeing you do, either!

Love,
Mommy

Posted by Courtney at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)